The One Filled with All the Specifics

I figured it was about time I do the full update post with all the things that went on during those first few weeks once I found out I was pregnant.  Please forgive the fact that I am attempting to squeeze 10 weeks worth of pregnancy updates into one post.

I do plan on doing weekly pregnancy updates on here, but I promise this won't become an all pregnancy blog.  It's certainly a huge part of my life right now that I want to write about and remember how I am feeling, but I'll still be blabbing on about Max and food and other boring stuff only I care about, as per usual.

So way back on Friday, August 31st, I went in for my beta blood test bright and early.  The nurse got me on the first stick and I came home to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  I cleaned and organized and baked and spent time on the computer.  None of that worked to distract me.  Every time my phone rang I held my breath.  Finally, around 1:30 that afternoon, I saw the familiar number of the center on my phone.  My fantastic nurse who had been making most of my follow-up phone calls told me that my beta had come back at 89.  When I released the breath that I had been holding, she congratulated me on being pregnant (!) and went over a few do's and don't's.  I scheduled my next beta for Monday (Labor Day) and burst into tears when I hung up.  Every nerve in my body was tingling and I was in complete shock.  Hubs and I had agreed that I wouldn't call him at work no matter what the news was because he had to work for the rest of the day regardless.  It was so hard not calling him, and I started to dial a few times, but I thought about how badly I wanted to see his face in person when I told him.  So, I made a few phone calls to my mom and best friends and then dashed out of the house to pick up a few things.

I headed to Target because I needed to see the positive pregnancy test result myself.  I bought a bunch of different kinds and also picked up an adorable baby bib to give to Hubs when he got home.

Very appropriate, yes?

I came home, peed on about a million sticks, and cried happy tears for a good portion of the afternoon.

There was such a huge part of me that never thought I'd see that word.

I got a few texts from Hubs throughout the day and I just kept telling him I hadn't heard anything yet.  He texted me when he was on his way home and I got Max all ready to go.  I put his big brother in training sign on him when I saw Hubs pull his truck into the driveway.  He looked so nervous when he came into the house that he didn't even see Max's sign!  I think he was expecting to find me in the fetal position crying in bed.  Once he saw my face, his immediately lit up and he knew I had good news.  I told him to check out the dog and he was so excited about the sign!  It really was an amazing thing to see his face and I am so happy I waited until he came home to tell him.

No body asked me about this whole big brother thing!

I gave him a bag with the bib and pregnancy test in it and also baked us special brownies.

Use your imagination.  It says "We are pregnant."

We went out to dinner to cautiously celebrate.  Here's the thing about infertility.  It totally effs with your head.  A "normal" person would be able to enjoy her dinner out with her husband and be excited about the fact that she was pregnant.  I certainly had the excitement, but the anxiety was far greater.  We had gotten one positive beta.  The real test would be on Monday to see if the numbers increased appropriately.

Monday came around and Hubs and I went in for another blood draw.  I got a call back later that morning and the nurse told me my beta was at 315.  We were ecstatic!  The rise in the number was great and I scheduled a third beta for September 10th.  I remember starting to feel more optimistic, but I was also still filled with this awful feeling of dread that something was going to go wrong.

In between betas 2 and 3, I started school.  It was so hard to know about this news without being able to share it with anyone there.  Several of the teachers at school were so fantastic during the summer while I was going through IVF and I felt like I was keeping this giant secret from them.  I spent the whole first week of school in a daze of sorts and just kept thinking about the third and final beta the following week.

The third beta draw came back at 6,109.  That number completely floored me.  I got the call at work and was so overwhelmed that I cried in my classroom for a little bit.  I mean, I was really pregnant.  At this point, we still had no idea whether I was carrying one or two babies and I scheduled my first ultrasound for September 24th.  We would find out how many embryos implanted at this appointment.

Hubs took the day out of work and met me over at the center.  We were both nervous wrecks.  I had heard stories of women who had great betas and then the ultrasounds revealed empty sacs.  We were seen right away and Dr. Bow Tie got right down to business.  The vag cam greeted me with her usual condomed-self and right away we could see one little bean on the screen inside the sac.  It was truly the most amazing sight.  We were able to see the heartbeat flickering away and I was in total awe of what I was growing inside of me.

Little Bean's first picture.  7w3d pregnant.

Dr. Bow Tie answered our questions and officially released me to make my first appointment with my OB/Gyn.  He said he hoped the next time he saw me was at the hospital when I delivered the baby.

In the time from one appointment to the next, I continued taking home pregnancy tests just to see the word pregnant or the two lines.  Yes, it's pretty pathetic, but it was comforting to me.

The proof.  And there were many others the met my pee throughout the months of September and October.

I had my first OB appointment on October 2nd.  Hubs was also able to come to this appointment and Dr. S went over some basic stuff with us.  I had to have some more lab work done which required several needle sticks (and just when I thought I was done with that!).  I talked to Dr. S about my worries during the first trimester and he said I could come in for weekly ultrasounds if that made me feel more comfortable.  Uh, hell yes I will come in every week.

So, that's what I've been doing.  Going in once a week for a routine ultrasound with Dr. S and it has been absolutely amazing to see the growth in just a few weeks time.

Ultrasound picture from October 16, 2012.  10w4d pregnant.

Ultrasound picture from October 25, 2012.  11w6d pregnant.  Little Bean was dancing up a storm at this appointment, using my uterus as a trampoline!

I went in yesterday morning for my weekly appointment and Dr. S told me we would try the fetal doppler to see if we could hear a heartbeat.  A friend let me borrow her doppler to use at home and I hadn't been able to pick up a heartbeat yet, but I was really hoping he would be able to get it.  Sure enough, after some poking and moving around on my belly, the unbelievable sound of galloping horses entered the office.  It was the most beautiful sound in the world.

This morning, I was able to find it on my own at home so Hubs could hear it.  Seeing his face when he heard it made it even better.

Other than the fatigue and need to keep something in my stomach at all times, I have been feeling really good.  I haven't actually thrown up at all (although there were days sitting in my classroom when I thought I might!) and I am hoping the worst of the morning sickness is over.

It has been amazing to share our news with family and friends and saying the words "I am pregnant" has been such a special thing for me.  Both Hubs and I feel incredibly blessed that we were able to conceive a baby with our first IVF.  We realize how rare that is and how lucky we are to be experiencing this miracle.

I am beginning to get to the point where the excitement is becoming greater than the anxiety.  It definitely comes in waves, but I am trying to just keep telling myself that everything looks good and that we are going to have a take-home baby in 27ish weeks.

Thank you to everyone who has left comments along the way.  I hated being away from blogging for so long, but I knew if I started typing I would blab about the pregnancy and we just didn't feel confident enough to share it on here when there are so many a few people we know in real life who read it.  Hubs and I truly appreciate your continued prayers and support.

Stay tuned for more updates and bump pictures.

The One with the Trigger

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (or all three people that read my blog), I triggered tonight at 7:30 pm.  Let me back you up to my appointment this morning.

I went in for my eleventy jillionth monitoring appointment this morning and had blood work and an ultrasound done.  Blood work was stabby and difficult as usual so I won't bore you with that.

Ultrasound went really well and the nurse was super nice this morning.  She got the vag cam all ready to go and did her thing.  She found 5 mature follies on the left and 5 mature follies on the right.  'Bout time lefty caught up!  Both of the lead follicles (which are the largest ones) are at almost 20mm.  The other four on each side are between 16 and 19mm.  She told me there are still multiple on each side that are smaller than 12mm, but they may mature a little more before the retrieval.  Vag cam nurse said there was a good chance I would trigger tonight but that Dr. Bow Tie may make me do one more day of stims.

I went about my business with the littles today and spent some time at school this morning getting my classroom ready.  We went out to lunch and as we were pulling out of the parking lot, my nurse called with my plan.  "You are going to trigger tonight" were the greatest words she could have said ("You are pregnant" will sound even better though!).

She gave me all of my instructions:
1. Do the Ovidrel trigger shot at 7:30pm tonight.  Ovidrel is an hCG shot that will cause my follicles to release the mature eggs for retrieval.
2. Stop all other meds.
3. Do not eat or drink after midnight the night before the retrieval.
4. Make sure Hubs is ready to put his guys to work on the morning of the retrieval.
5. Come in Friday morning at 7am for the retrieval.

I am so super excited that this was finally happening!

Fast forward to this evening and I was ready to go.

The magic shot that will make my follies spit out their eggs (it's probably much more technical than that!)

Yea! I'm super excited about my last needle for a good long while!

I made Hubs take a video of the shot and everything, but it won't upload.  I apologize that you won't get to see extreme stomach chub meet stabby needle.  I know you were really looking forward to it.  If I can figure it out, I'll upload it later.

I'm off to rest and relax because I know starting tomorrow I'm going to get pretty uncomfortable.  I'll update on how I'm feeling tomorrow.

The One with the Whining

The title of this post is your official warning.  This will be a post filled with complaining.  Stop now if you don't want to listen to me bitch.

I went back for my 85th monitoring appointment this morning.  My veins are so mad at me that I'm pretty sure they are on strike.  My vag has been probed so many times with the cam that she is awfully pissed there hasn't been an offer of a dinner date.  Or even a movie.

The ultrasound was up first today.  There has been some small progress with the ove's.  There are now 3 measurable follies on the left and 4 measurable follies on the right.  She said there were multiple ones on the left that were less than 12mm and 6 on the right that were less than 12mm.  I have been chatting with them lately telling them to get their asses in gear.  The numbers of follies is great; it's the size that needs to improve.

Whoever said size didn't matter was lying.

Vein assault was next.  I had the joy of being stuck twice this morning.  The first vein she tried has officially said FU to the lovely phlebotomists at my center.  It is closed for business.  She found another one toward the top of my arm and did a little digging to get the butterfly needle deep enough to pierce it.  The digging was awesome I tell you.

  The proof is in the bandages.  Just another war wound to add to the list.

I am nannying this week and next.  The family I work for is fantastic and I am so lucky to be able to share with them what is happening.  They are so understanding and have been so flexible with me needing time off in the near future for the retrieval and transfer.  Look, that whole paragraph was positive and didn't include one whine!

To counter that Pollyanna paragraph, I'm going to tell you what is happening in the side effects department.  There is really only one new joy to add to the list, but it's a doozie.  

So, here goes.

I am extremely aware of my ovaries.  I don't just mean that I think about them way more than is normal for any sane person.  I mean I can feel them growing.  Starting last night, I have been having these strange feelings in my lower abdomen.  I described it to my mother tonight as such, "It feels like period cramps, combined with needing to poop, combined with eating too much and drinking a ton of beer.  It's a full feeling."  It's not painful, just uncomfortable.  I know it's going to get worse too.  Clearly none of this compares to the pain of childbirth, which I am paying thousands of dollars to experience some day, so I really shouldn't bitch and moan too much over here.  But I am.  And will most likely continue to.  You're over it.

I heard back from the nurse this afternoon while I was at Barnes and Noble with the kiddos.  My super nice nurse said to keep stabbing myself with the same meds and set me up with another monitoring appointment for Wednesday morning.  Which means retrieval will not be until Friday at the earliest.  I totally forgot to ask her what my E2 level was as I was trying to wrangle three kids under 7 away from the plethora of toys at Barnes and Noble (isn't this supposed to be a book store?!).  So, more waiting.  I really do appreciate the fact that I am doing this crazy stuff during the summer while I'm not teaching because I don't know how people with jobs do this.  This IVF shit is a full time job.

I leave you with the proof of my vein assault and funny image that pretty much sums up this awesome IVF journey.

Bruise #129.  My body hates me and the general public thinks I'm being domestically assaulted.

Stolen from here

Hubs promised me froyo after my Follistim shot.  I'm off to require him make good on that promise.

The One with Yemen

My ovaries are still the laziest creatures on Earth.

I went in for my monitoring appointment this morning and while there have been some small changes, I am still considerably behind schedule.  Hubs came with me to the appointment and got a lesson in vag cam 101 while he was there.

Stabbing episode #486 was up first and when the phlebotomist saw my arm she gasped out loud.  Gee, thanks that makes me feel a ton better about how my arm is looking!  I asked her to look for a vein on the left arm since my right was so angry and she tried her hardest to find something over there.  With no luck, she asked about going over to the right.  Obviously, I didn't have a choice so I let her poke around over there for a bit.  She finally found one to the side of the monster bruise and did a little digging around before she got a vein.  In my next life, I am asking God for veins fit for a heroin addict.  I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

Hubs (who had to leave the room during the blood work because of his needle-phobia) and I went across the hall to take a look at my follies.  The tech was super nice and explained everything she was doing to Hubs as she went.  This time, she gave me a paper to record my follie size.  They only measure ones that are more than 12mm in size.  On the left, I didn't have any that were measurable at this point, but I had 7 that she could see.  This is up from the 4 on Wednesday.  On the right, she found 3 that were measurable.  One was at 16, one was at 14, and one was at 12.  Then there were 6 that weren't measurable yet.  A small improvement from Wednesday, but not the numbers I want to see on day 9 of stims.  She told me to try not to stress out about it and that I'd get a phone call later today with the update to my plan.

I am starting to get so frustrated and impatient here.  I allowed myself a small cry while Hubs put some gas in his monstrosity of a truck and had a few moments of woe is me.  This IF stuff sucks big fat balls.  Everything is so wait-and-see and there are days when I honestly feel like we are never going to get a take home baby.  It's so incredibly hard to stay positive when your body is fighting you every step of the way.  From the beginning, there has always been a part of me that wondered if there was something else wrong with me that was causing us not to get pregnant and that the doctors had missed.  Even with all the testing we went through, I still had this small voice in my head (she sounds like Janice from "Friends" btw) telling me, "Oh.  My.  God.  How do you know that something else isn't wrong?  Did they really check for everything?"  I usually tell Janice to get on a plane and go to 15 Yemen Road, Yemen (go watch this episode of "Friends" if you haven't seen it), but there are days when she and her annoying voice creep in.  Today is definitely one of those days.

This video can't be embedded on the blog, but it will take you to the YouTube clip and it's the best on I could find.

Several hours have gone by since I started this post and I heard back from the nurse.  All of my meds are going to stay the same and I am going back in on Monday for blood work and an ultrasound.  My E2 level was up to 393 which is good news (it was at 90 on Wednesday).  The nurse seems to think we are still on track for a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.  The e2 level gave me a little more hope, but I am still having a Janice day.  As one of my friends told me it's better to freak out now before the little buggers are in there.  I'm going to embrace the "blah" day and know tomorrow will be a new and more positive day.

Hubs and I are going to watch a movie.  Maybe it takes place in Yemen...

The One with the Lazy Ovaries

Hi, my name is Jessica and I have lazy ovaries.  

(Here's your part)...

::Hi, Jessica::

Yesterday was my second monitoring appointment on day 6 of stims.  I went in for blood work and an ultrasound.  My date with the vampire was first and she asked if I wanted her to use the left arm since the right was already bruised.  Well maybe if you guys hadn't bruised me in the first place it wouldn't be an issue.  But I was nice and told her there's usually more luck in the right, so stab away she did.  Didn't hurt too much at that point and I headed down the hall for my ultrasound.  

As I stripped off my underwear, all I could think was, "Please let them be growing.  Please let something be happening with these ovaries."  Vag cam made an appearance, got lubed and condomed up, and the black and white blurry images appeared on the screen.  The tech was super sweet and told me my lining looked decent, but that it had some thickening to do.  She spotted 4 follicles on the left and 5 follicles on the right, but all of them were not measurable.  Damn it, this can't be good, I thought. Got myself cleaned up and the tech told me to expect a phone call that afternoon with my plan.

I interrupt this lazy ovary story with a quick recap of my trip to Almost-in-New-York-and-Vermont-at-the-same-time, Massachusetts on Tuesday.  I mentioned that I would be administering meds on the trip and I can now say that I have stabbed myself at...

...wait for it...

...McDonalds.  In the bathroom.  

I must say, McDonalds in random MA town, your bathroom was quite lovely.

I laughed at the absurdity of the situation most of the time I was prepping and giving myself the shot.  Only with infertility does this shit happen.  I had to laugh or I may have cried.

But, I digress.  Back to the stupid lazy ovaries.

My nurse called as I was pulling into the driveway yesterday afternoon after a morning at school (balls hot and so depressing yet again).  She told me that my meds were going to stay the same and that I just appeared to be a slow responder, but that I was responding.  She gave me the same info about the number of follies that the tech had told me about in the morning.  She also told me the lining of my uterus was at 6mm.  They want to see it to be at least 7mm.  I asked about my E2 level.  On Monday, it was 49 and yesterday it was at 90.  Still too low, but at least it had increased with the change in Follistim.  They like to see the E2 over 100 and closer to 150 at this point.  Again, lazy ovaries, lazy estrogen, lazy me!

I asked the nurse about our retrieval date.  At this point, I knew we'd be pushed back but I wanted to know if she had any idea when it would be now.  She told me they would know a lot more after my next appointment, but that she didn't expect the retrieval to happen before next Thursday the 16th.  That date actually works better because of Hubs' work schedule, but it's just one more delay.  I asked the nurse if I should be concerned at this point and she was very reassuring.  She told me I'm just a slow responder and that there are follicles there.  They are just being lazy and need a little more encouragement to get going.  She did make me feel better, but there is still a huge part of me that is petrified we will get canceled.  I honestly don't know if I can handle that.  This has been such a long journey and if we can't even get to the retrieval and transfer, I am going to feel like such a failure.  But, I trust Dr. Bow Tie and I know he knows what he's doing, so I put my ovaries and my future baby in his hands.  Now we wait.

My next appointment for blood work and an ultrasound is Saturday.  Hopefully, there will be some nice growth by then.  I started talking to them yesterday.  "Please little follies, grow nice and big so one of you can hold the special egg that will be our baby.  I need you to do your part and I promise to do mine."  Yeah, I'm probably going crazy, but I'll try anything at this point.

Oh, remember that vampire from the beginning of this post?  Well she nicked a vein when she stabbed me and I developed this awesome addition to the war wounds.

The blood from the vein pooled in my forearm.  Hurts like crazy.

My right arm looks like I've been in a battle.

Needless to say, we will be using my left arm on Saturday.

I'm home today waiting for a refill of the Follistim to be delivered.  I needed to get more once my dose got increased.  I'll be continuing to read Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected by Kelle Hampton while I wait for UPS.  She writes an amazing blog that I have been following for a while.  I have wanted to read this book since it came out this winter, but I hadn't gotten around to it.  When I saw it in the library yesterday, I was super happy to bring it home and start it.  I made it about 3 sentences in before the tears came.  I know the story through her blog, but her hopes and fears about motherhood and the unexpected diagnosis of her daughter with Down syndrome tugs at my heart right now.  These damn hormone meds don't help my stability either!

Think follie growth and smaller bruises for me, please.