The One with the Frobaby

I talked to the lab this morning to find out if any of our embryos made it to freeze.  After proving my identity in Mission: Impossible fashion, I finally got one of the embryologists on the phone.  She told me that we had one embryo that made it to freeze.  The rest didn't meet the guidelines and didn't develop enough to be viable for freezing.

One frobaby out of seven possible embryos.

I let this news wash over me today.  It was a good thing I was nannying and had the littles to distract me today ("She stole my car!"  "He pointed at me!"  "It's not fair!"  Wah, wah, wah!) because it was definitely a tough pill to swallow.  I mean, if Thing 1 and Thing 2 decide not to chill in my ute for the foreseeable future, we only have one frobaby for a transfer at a later time.  Part of me feels completely selfish for even thinking this.  We got three great embryos out of this whole stabby-needle, hormone-raging process.  Some women don't even get one.  The other part of me is high on Endometrin and wants to scream "It's not fair" at the top of my lungs.  I am attempting to find a balance between these two alter egos.  I am also finding that some depressing music and a few tears helped during the car ride home today.  And homemade pizza.  That can solve even the most difficult of situations.

I was texting back and forth with my mom today about the frobaby and she brought up a point I had never fully considered.

More on this point after some rambling background info.

While she was here last weekend and asking me eleventy jillion questions about all this, we were talking about the frobabies.  She didn't realize that they were embryos that got frozen; she thought it was just the eggs.  In typical ex-nun fashion (yeah she used to be a nun...whoooole other post going on there), she asked what happened to the ones we don't use.  I explained how we agreed that they would be donated for research purposes and while she absolutely supports that concept, my uber-Catholic mother was also concerned about the life that embryo represents.  I absolutely get her.  I feel that way too.  However, I also know the reality of the situation and realize that other women can benefit from what I can't use.  I don't like to think about my babies having research done on them.  It's one of those not always talked about IVF conundrums that goes with the territory.

Back to the point of this long winded story.

She told me this morning when I relayed the one frobaby information that she believes that somehow God has "spared" me the decision of what to do about 6 living embryos.  I never really thought about it in that context.  There are parts of me that believe the whole "everything happens for a reason" stuff; other parts of me call bullshit and say it's not worth the paper it's printed on.  But, for whatever reason, this idea of God helping out with this process and these decisions gave me some peace.  Don't get me wrong, I know my embryos that didn't make it to freeze may also be used for research, but those are the little ones that didn't keep dividing or were fragmented or would have never been able to implant.  Doesn't mean I don't grieve for them not making it.  But, it does mean that I appreciate what my mother told me today.  God certainly has a hand in all of this.  For what it's worth, I don't think God's plan is for me to be infertile and for my embryos to not survive.  I just think he's got some kind of plan for me.  I don't know what the hell it is most of the time, but I need to believe he does.

Sorry if that got too preachy for you.  Just the things swirling in my head right now.

Alright, I'm done with the babbling tonight.  It will be time for a vag pill soon and they make me sleepy.  Plus there is a DVRed episode of "Dance Moms" that is calling my name.  Don't you dare judge me!

The One with Things That Make Me Happy

So, I'm in this dreaded 2ww and I may be definitely am getting antsy already.  I'm 2dp3dt (2 days past 3-day transfer) and I've got many more days until we find out if Thing 1 and/or Thing 2 decided to take up residence in my uterus.  I'm nannying this week, which helps to fill the days, but I'm still spending way more time than is normal thinking about my uterus, embryos, and vag pills.  Although the vag pill thinking is not my fault.  I'm reminded of those on a regular basis.  Like every time I pee.  Or move.

But, I digress.

I decided to make a post about the little things that are making me happy right now**.  I find it necessary to remind myself of these things every once in a while as a way to remember that there are an amazing amount of fabulous things in my life.  IF doesn't have to be the big, ugly, evil, dark, bitchy cloud over it all!

Without further ado and with pictures...

1.  I organized our junk drawer over the weekend.  It still has junk it, but at least it looks pretty.

2. A friend and co-worker dropped off these beautiful flowers last week after my retrieval.  They are gorgeous and I love looking at them.  Plus, she brought her adorable son over to visit as well and I just want to smush him because's he so darn cute!

3. Loving my new aviators I picked up at Kohls.  As my best friend said, "They were made for your midget-sized face!"

4.  This stuff works miracles.  I am covered in mosquito bites from being out with the kids this week.  I think there is a sign on my back that says, "Mosquitos near and far, please come taste my blood.  It's apparently delicious."  This makes the yucky itchiness feel so much better!

5.  Starbucks Unsweetened Passion Iced Tea Lemonade.  Delish.  And makeable at home.  Which is good because Starbucks wants me to pay ridiculous amounts of money for the yumminess.

6.  Our view.  Days go by without me appreciating this and I need to remember how lucky we are to look at this every day.  Those chairs and that fire pit are calling my name this weekend.

7.  I almost threw this plant away yesterday, but one more little bloom decided to make an appearance.  Guess I need to remember that just because something appears dead and barren doesn't mean it always is.

8.  While we are on the plant theme, my basil is rocking out this summer.  I am going to have to cut it for the 4th time since early June.  Way to go me!  (Side note, I typically kill all plants that try to live at my house).

9.  This candle from here is one of the last things I am clutching onto from summer.  While part of me is ready to fly my fall flag with all its pumpkin-spiced, apple crisp, sweater glory, the other part is loving the long and lazy summer days filled with smell of the island.

10.  This song.  Dave Barnes is amazing.  We danced to one of his songs at our wedding.  I'm getting ahead of myself, but I can absolutely imagine playing this song when we get our take home baby.  It's beautiful and I love it.

**It should be added that my amazing Hubs, dog, family, and friends make me unbelievably happy every day and I am beyond lucky to have them. 

So, there you have it.  Random pictures of things that may or may not make you happy, but are helping me chug through each day over here.

More on some new recipes I'm planning on trying soon in the next post.

As always, thanks for reading.