The One with the Project Update

Long post, no pictures coming...warning given.

As most "normal" (read: not reproductively challenged) people will eventually do, Hubs and I began the discussion of a second baby over the past few months.  It seems we have amnesia about the sleepless nights and the breastfeeding fiasco and the explosive poops of newborn baby-ness.  Nevertheless, we started to talk about frobaby.

If you have been reading for a while, you may remember that we had one embryo viable for freezing at the end of our fresh IVF cycle in August 2012.  This frobaby has been chillin' (literally) at our clinic waiting for us to make a decision about him/her.

Little background on my vag, ute, and ovaries lately before I get to what the plan is...

I went for my yearly gynecologist appointment in April and talked to Dr. B. about my weird periods.  In the last six months or so, my periods have had a mind of their own.  There's spotting, there's bleeding like a freakin' open wound, and there's waaaay too many days of it every month.  My gyno took a biopsy of the cells in my ute to check for the scary stuff (cancer, etc.) and the only thing he found was some inflammation which could have been a possible infection.  So, he put me on an antibiotic and said we would most likely need to do a saline sonohysterogram to further investigate my lady bits.

Fast forward 10 days...

I called and requested the SIS because I wouldn't really know if the antibiotic worked until my next period and I didn't want to wait that long.  I went in for my SIS in late May and Dr. B. told me my uterus looked "textbook perfect."  In fact, he mentioned wishing he had med students in the office so he could show them my "perfect" ute.  I'm adding that to my resume by the way - "awesome freaking uterus."  So no real answer for the screwy periods, but he mentioned the possibility of small polyps that he couldn't see and said I could have a D&C to scrape out my uterus (sounds pleasant huh).  I mentioned that Hubs and I had been talking about a possible second kiddo and he said to talk to Dr. Bow Tie about the situation and go from there.

Fast forward a month later...

I go in for my consult with Dr. Bow Tie about a FET (frozen embryo transfer).  I mention the recent SIS to him (he wanted to do one before the transfer anyway to check things out) and he says if all looks good once he gets the images from Dr. B., I can start the process with my next cycle.  Hubs and I would both need routine blood work first to check for STDs and the such, but there really wasn't much prep before we started moving on things.  Holy goodness, I guess this is really happening!

I met with my nurse and she went over the whole process and med protocol with me.  It is ridiculously "easy" compared to a fresh cycle with way less meds and much less monitoring and probing.

Once my period started, I would begin taking Estrace twice a day.  This is an estrogen pill that, in combination with my other med, helps to thicken the lining of my ute in preparation for transfer.  I take this for 12 days and then increase to three times a day on day 13.  On day 14, I go in for an ultrasound to check my lining.  If things look good (meaning it's lush and gorgeous looking), I start my second med.

And then she dropped the sucky bomb...

My second med was progesterone in oil (PIO) instead of a vag pill.  They have found more success with frozen cycles by using the PIO.  Well that is good news.  The bad news is that this med is an intramuscular shot with a huge needle.  Remember when I stressed out about subcutaneous shots? Awww that girl was cute with her worry.  This is gonna suck way more.  I will inject this med once a day (actually Hubs will most likely do it because it's in my ass and I won't be able to reach) and do it through the first 10ish weeks of pregnancy if this transfer is successful.

The transfer will be scheduled for 5 days after the ultrasound if my lining is cooperative.  Then we do the dreaded two week wait again, get my blood drawn for a beta pregnancy test, and pray like hell it worked.

When I left the office that day, the nurse instructed me to call the insurance and pharmacy companies and make sure everything looked okay on that end, talk to the financial lady at the center so she could go over what our co-pay would be, and then call when my period started.

Soooo, the short story is...we are crazy enough to be trying for a second little one (who technically would be L's fraternal twin) and once again praying and hoping like crazy the whole process goes smoothly and gives us another baby.

The One with the Frobaby

I talked to the lab this morning to find out if any of our embryos made it to freeze.  After proving my identity in Mission: Impossible fashion, I finally got one of the embryologists on the phone.  She told me that we had one embryo that made it to freeze.  The rest didn't meet the guidelines and didn't develop enough to be viable for freezing.

One frobaby out of seven possible embryos.

I let this news wash over me today.  It was a good thing I was nannying and had the littles to distract me today ("She stole my car!"  "He pointed at me!"  "It's not fair!"  Wah, wah, wah!) because it was definitely a tough pill to swallow.  I mean, if Thing 1 and Thing 2 decide not to chill in my ute for the foreseeable future, we only have one frobaby for a transfer at a later time.  Part of me feels completely selfish for even thinking this.  We got three great embryos out of this whole stabby-needle, hormone-raging process.  Some women don't even get one.  The other part of me is high on Endometrin and wants to scream "It's not fair" at the top of my lungs.  I am attempting to find a balance between these two alter egos.  I am also finding that some depressing music and a few tears helped during the car ride home today.  And homemade pizza.  That can solve even the most difficult of situations.

I was texting back and forth with my mom today about the frobaby and she brought up a point I had never fully considered.

More on this point after some rambling background info.

While she was here last weekend and asking me eleventy jillion questions about all this, we were talking about the frobabies.  She didn't realize that they were embryos that got frozen; she thought it was just the eggs.  In typical ex-nun fashion (yeah she used to be a nun...whoooole other post going on there), she asked what happened to the ones we don't use.  I explained how we agreed that they would be donated for research purposes and while she absolutely supports that concept, my uber-Catholic mother was also concerned about the life that embryo represents.  I absolutely get her.  I feel that way too.  However, I also know the reality of the situation and realize that other women can benefit from what I can't use.  I don't like to think about my babies having research done on them.  It's one of those not always talked about IVF conundrums that goes with the territory.

Back to the point of this long winded story.

She told me this morning when I relayed the one frobaby information that she believes that somehow God has "spared" me the decision of what to do about 6 living embryos.  I never really thought about it in that context.  There are parts of me that believe the whole "everything happens for a reason" stuff; other parts of me call bullshit and say it's not worth the paper it's printed on.  But, for whatever reason, this idea of God helping out with this process and these decisions gave me some peace.  Don't get me wrong, I know my embryos that didn't make it to freeze may also be used for research, but those are the little ones that didn't keep dividing or were fragmented or would have never been able to implant.  Doesn't mean I don't grieve for them not making it.  But, it does mean that I appreciate what my mother told me today.  God certainly has a hand in all of this.  For what it's worth, I don't think God's plan is for me to be infertile and for my embryos to not survive.  I just think he's got some kind of plan for me.  I don't know what the hell it is most of the time, but I need to believe he does.

Sorry if that got too preachy for you.  Just the things swirling in my head right now.

Alright, I'm done with the babbling tonight.  It will be time for a vag pill soon and they make me sleepy.  Plus there is a DVRed episode of "Dance Moms" that is calling my name.  Don't you dare judge me!