The One with OAD NBC

Or alternatively titled: The One with the Very Long Acronym.

Side note - Liam's 15 month post is coming.  We go for his check-up on Monday, so I am waiting for official stats before I publish the monthly update.

Okay, back to the acronym.

OAD = One And Done

NBC = Not By Choice

So, in essence, it means only having one child but not because that's how you want it to be.

In case you didn't pick up the news yet, frobaby did not implant.  It did not think my uterus was a fun place to hang out for nine (ten) months and I am therefore completely and totally not pregnant.

My beta was yesterday morning (huge bruise from the blood draw obviously) and the nurse called in the afternoon with the news.  It was not a shocker to be honest.

I had been spotting since late last week and had that "my period is coming any second now" feeling (despite the fact that the huge needles were supposed to stop that from happening).  I didn't feel the "twinges" I had with Liam and something in me really just knew I wasn't pregnant.  Didn't make hearing the "unfortunately, you are not pregnant" news any easier, just expected.

Hubs and I agreed before this FET that if it didn't work, we weren't going to do another fresh cycle.  We are getting to the point where we are paying off some large debts that we have incurred over the years and while our insurance covers a whole lot of the costs with IVF, we still have a large co-pay.  Plus, the emotional and physical tolls associated with another fresh cycle are huge and I'm just not sure I can handle it.  On top of that, there's no guarantee it would work.  We were ridiculously lucky to get pregnant on our first IVF cycle and I don't know if it would happen on the first try again.

So, we are a one child family.  I would be completely full of shit if I said I wasn't disappointed about that.  I want Liam to have a (non furry) sibling.  I want him to grow up with another kid around.  I want him to have someone after we are gone (I know that's morbid but it's one of my thoughts).

I am still dealing with the emotional repercussions of this.  I never get to be pregnant again.  I never get to watch a baby dance inside me on an ultrasound machine again.  I never get to feel those amazing kicks and jabs again.  I never get to feel like freaking Super Woman for giving birth to a baby with no meds again.  I never get to experience the newborn smell again.  I never get to use all those teeny tiny clothes again.

I love Liam with every ounce of my being and as I sit here typing with the video monitor next to me watching him toss and turn in his crib because another damn tooth is coming in and tears streaming down my cheeks, I know in my heart that he (and Hubs and Max) are enough.  I know that we are a happy family with an exorbitant amount of blessings.  I know that God made me that little boy's mother to teach me about unconditional love and how infinite that love can be.

But right now, I also know that I am sad and this completely sucks.

The One with the Project Update

Long post, no pictures coming...warning given.

As most "normal" (read: not reproductively challenged) people will eventually do, Hubs and I began the discussion of a second baby over the past few months.  It seems we have amnesia about the sleepless nights and the breastfeeding fiasco and the explosive poops of newborn baby-ness.  Nevertheless, we started to talk about frobaby.

If you have been reading for a while, you may remember that we had one embryo viable for freezing at the end of our fresh IVF cycle in August 2012.  This frobaby has been chillin' (literally) at our clinic waiting for us to make a decision about him/her.

Little background on my vag, ute, and ovaries lately before I get to what the plan is...

I went for my yearly gynecologist appointment in April and talked to Dr. B. about my weird periods.  In the last six months or so, my periods have had a mind of their own.  There's spotting, there's bleeding like a freakin' open wound, and there's waaaay too many days of it every month.  My gyno took a biopsy of the cells in my ute to check for the scary stuff (cancer, etc.) and the only thing he found was some inflammation which could have been a possible infection.  So, he put me on an antibiotic and said we would most likely need to do a saline sonohysterogram to further investigate my lady bits.

Fast forward 10 days...

I called and requested the SIS because I wouldn't really know if the antibiotic worked until my next period and I didn't want to wait that long.  I went in for my SIS in late May and Dr. B. told me my uterus looked "textbook perfect."  In fact, he mentioned wishing he had med students in the office so he could show them my "perfect" ute.  I'm adding that to my resume by the way - "awesome freaking uterus."  So no real answer for the screwy periods, but he mentioned the possibility of small polyps that he couldn't see and said I could have a D&C to scrape out my uterus (sounds pleasant huh).  I mentioned that Hubs and I had been talking about a possible second kiddo and he said to talk to Dr. Bow Tie about the situation and go from there.

Fast forward a month later...

I go in for my consult with Dr. Bow Tie about a FET (frozen embryo transfer).  I mention the recent SIS to him (he wanted to do one before the transfer anyway to check things out) and he says if all looks good once he gets the images from Dr. B., I can start the process with my next cycle.  Hubs and I would both need routine blood work first to check for STDs and the such, but there really wasn't much prep before we started moving on things.  Holy goodness, I guess this is really happening!

I met with my nurse and she went over the whole process and med protocol with me.  It is ridiculously "easy" compared to a fresh cycle with way less meds and much less monitoring and probing.

Once my period started, I would begin taking Estrace twice a day.  This is an estrogen pill that, in combination with my other med, helps to thicken the lining of my ute in preparation for transfer.  I take this for 12 days and then increase to three times a day on day 13.  On day 14, I go in for an ultrasound to check my lining.  If things look good (meaning it's lush and gorgeous looking), I start my second med.

And then she dropped the sucky bomb...

My second med was progesterone in oil (PIO) instead of a vag pill.  They have found more success with frozen cycles by using the PIO.  Well that is good news.  The bad news is that this med is an intramuscular shot with a huge needle.  Remember when I stressed out about subcutaneous shots? Awww that girl was cute with her worry.  This is gonna suck way more.  I will inject this med once a day (actually Hubs will most likely do it because it's in my ass and I won't be able to reach) and do it through the first 10ish weeks of pregnancy if this transfer is successful.

The transfer will be scheduled for 5 days after the ultrasound if my lining is cooperative.  Then we do the dreaded two week wait again, get my blood drawn for a beta pregnancy test, and pray like hell it worked.

When I left the office that day, the nurse instructed me to call the insurance and pharmacy companies and make sure everything looked okay on that end, talk to the financial lady at the center so she could go over what our co-pay would be, and then call when my period started.

Soooo, the short story is...we are crazy enough to be trying for a second little one (who technically would be L's fraternal twin) and once again praying and hoping like crazy the whole process goes smoothly and gives us another baby.

The One with the Thursday Thoughts

Happy Friday Eve people!

How is everyone's week going?

Mine feels endless and I am so very happy that tomorrow is Friday.

The following thoroughly unimportant thoughts have been swirling in my brain...

• I just whacked my elbow on the chair in the kitchen when I was walking by.  Of all the places on my body to hit, I choose the one place that has not an ounce of fat or flab.  There are certainly plenty of other cushy places that wouldn't have hurt as much, but somehow I managed to hit straight bone.

• I have a shopping date this weekend with myself.  I need some retail therapy big time.  Even if I just browse, I need to get out and look at some pretty things (who am I kidding, I can't "just browse").

• I need a Starbucks caramel apple spice in my life very soon.  I've managed to survive thus far this fall without one, but it is definitely in the plans this weekend.

• As I was typing this post, I dropped my laptop on the floor while reaching for the baby monitor.  When I tried to stop it from falling, I somehow managed to smash/scrape my finger into the side of the screen and cut my skin enough to bleed.  Blogging injury?  I am a hot mess sometimes.

• L is days away from rolling over from back to belly.  He apparently wants to defy all norms and go this way first.  He has no desire to go from belly to back.

• This crazy beast is curled up next to me on the couch keeping my company until Hubs finally gets home from work.

• My view from the shower the other morning (please excuse the mess of a bathroom).  Cannot handle his open-mouthed smile.

• I realized the other day that I have no fall scented candles in the house.  Clearly my shopping trip this weekend will include a trip to Bath and Body Works.  While I'm not into the pumpkin, I can definitely get behind all the apple scented candles this year.

• Several friends/acquaintances/blogging peeps are pregnant or just had babies.  I am already thinking about when we can do a FET (frozen embryo transfer).  We only have one frobaby and the chances of it leading to a successful pregnancy aren't great, but I feel like we have to try.  My IF brain is already preparing for the worst and we haven't even planned if/when we are going to do this.  That feeling of failure and disappointment is always there.

• I need some new songs for my iPod.  What is everyone listening to these days?

(My finger and elbow are throbbing by the way)

• This weekend will hopefully involve some of these apple fritters so I can use up some of the apples from our trip to the orchard last weekend.

I'm off to try to catch up on a few DVRed shows.  Keeping up with fall TV is tough this year with work and a baby!