Thursday, August 7, 2014

The One with OAD NBC

Or alternatively titled: The One with the Very Long Acronym.

Side note - Liam's 15 month post is coming.  We go for his check-up on Monday, so I am waiting for official stats before I publish the monthly update.

Okay, back to the acronym.

OAD = One And Done

NBC = Not By Choice

So, in essence, it means only having one child but not because that's how you want it to be.

In case you didn't pick up the news yet, frobaby did not implant.  It did not think my uterus was a fun place to hang out for nine (ten) months and I am therefore completely and totally not pregnant.

My beta was yesterday morning (huge bruise from the blood draw obviously) and the nurse called in the afternoon with the news.  It was not a shocker to be honest.

I had been spotting since late last week and had that "my period is coming any second now" feeling (despite the fact that the huge needles were supposed to stop that from happening).  I didn't feel the "twinges" I had with Liam and something in me really just knew I wasn't pregnant.  Didn't make hearing the "unfortunately, you are not pregnant" news any easier, just expected.

Hubs and I agreed before this FET that if it didn't work, we weren't going to do another fresh cycle.  We are getting to the point where we are paying off some large debts that we have incurred over the years and while our insurance covers a whole lot of the costs with IVF, we still have a large co-pay.  Plus, the emotional and physical tolls associated with another fresh cycle are huge and I'm just not sure I can handle it.  On top of that, there's no guarantee it would work.  We were ridiculously lucky to get pregnant on our first IVF cycle and I don't know if it would happen on the first try again.

So, we are a one child family.  I would be completely full of shit if I said I wasn't disappointed about that.  I want Liam to have a (non furry) sibling.  I want him to grow up with another kid around.  I want him to have someone after we are gone (I know that's morbid but it's one of my thoughts).

I am still dealing with the emotional repercussions of this.  I never get to be pregnant again.  I never get to watch a baby dance inside me on an ultrasound machine again.  I never get to feel those amazing kicks and jabs again.  I never get to feel like freaking Super Woman for giving birth to a baby with no meds again.  I never get to experience the newborn smell again.  I never get to use all those teeny tiny clothes again.

I love Liam with every ounce of my being and as I sit here typing with the video monitor next to me watching him toss and turn in his crib because another damn tooth is coming in and tears streaming down my cheeks, I know in my heart that he (and Hubs and Max) are enough.  I know that we are a happy family with an exorbitant amount of blessings.  I know that God made me that little boy's mother to teach me about unconditional love and how infinite that love can be.

But right now, I also know that I am sad and this completely sucks.

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