Monday, April 1, 2013

The One with the Bodily Fluids

I owe you a 34-week post and I promise it's coming.  But in the meantime, I just have to share this incredibly TMI post about what happened to me last night.  Seriously, stop reading if you have a weak stomach.

So we all know that bladder control is a thing of the past with me.

And that heartburn has plagued me since around day 4 of this pregnancy.

Last night, I learned what happens when those two issues collide with a big huge boom.

A little background:

Easter was super quiet in our house.  Just Hubs, Max, and I.  I made a nice dinner and we ate around 5ish.  I didn't eat a ton as my stomach gets full quite quickly these days, but I had enough to feel full.  Around 8ish I had some cookies and milk.  Nothing out of the ordinary there.

I fell asleep on the couch around 9 while we were watching Breaking Bad (love this show by the way) and Hubs and I both headed into the bedroom early around 9:45.  I pee before bed as usual.  I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I have been trying to sleep on a bit of an incline these days as it helps with the reflux and also makes my back feel a teeny bit better.  Somehow I think I ended up completely horizontal last night, which I am assuming attributed to the following scenario...

11:43: I wake up from a completely sound sleep to feel actual vomit in my mouth.  Not like oh I think I could be sick and feel kind nauseous.  No, this was you have already passed that stage and have started throwing up in your sleep.  WTF?!

11:43 and 5 seconds: I jump out of bed and run into the bathroom to stand over the sink.  You know how if you are going to be sick you try to convince yourself that if you take enough deep breaths and just think nice thoughts, you won't puke all over yourself?  Well I tried that for about 10 seconds.

11:45: At this point, I'm coughing like crazy and wake Hubs up.  He comes running into the bathroom half-asleep asking me what is wrong.  I literally can't even answer him because I am going to throw up all over him if I open my mouth.  My eyes are watering and I just nod that I am okay.  I manage to tell him I am going to throw up at some point and to just go back to bed.

11:46: I bite the bullet so to speak and end up over the toilet.  Hubs was nice enough to put the bath mat down under my knees.  The process begins, but I realize as I am throwing up my lovely Easter dinner that I am not only spewing liquid from my mouth but I am now peeing all over myself.  I tried with every muscle in my body to stop the flow of pee, but it was literally impossible.

If I could have laughed, peed, and vomited at the same time, this would have been the moment for it.

At this point, the bath mat, my underwear, and my legs are covered in pee.  When I am done throwing up, I dry myself off, brush my teeth and head back to the bedroom to get undressed.  Hubs proceeds to ask me why the shower is running and I tell him I have just managed to pee all over the lower half of my body and need to rinse off before getting back into bed.  In his sleep haze, he obviously finds this thoroughly amusing and can't stop laughing.  I also start laughing and the threat of more pee is starting.

11:52: I get in the shower and wash away the leftover pee.  I get out of the shower and pee again.  This time like a normal person sitting on the toilet.

11:58: I am back in bed, propped in a near sitting position and manage somehow to fall back to sleep.

I can only attribute the throwing up to the reflux and a full stomach.  I was fine when I woke up this morning and don't think it's a stomach bug or anything like that.

This incident definitely wins craziest pregnancy related story so far.  Don't forget I haven't given birth yet.  I'm sure there will be super fun stories to go along with that whole experience.

And I leave you with...

Original image here


  1. I will admit I'm like your husband and was in a fit of giggles throughout that post. Lol, but that stinks though, the throwing up and the peeing at the same time. Not fun! I guess I have to look forward to not being able to hold my pee in now, fun times! Lol

  2. Jess, I don't get a chance to read your blog often but I try to check in every once in a while. And... I just gotta say... this has happened to me to a lesser extent. I didn't have full flow going but peed myself with each heave. It sucks!!!